Not belonging

At several points in my life, I was... what you would call, an "Outcast".

Well... maybe it was only in my head.

I made a stupid mistake.

I don't think it was big...

Yet, regardless it was a mistake.

Girls are very talented.

They are extremely talented at mentally isolating and excluding people.

Honestly, I am ashamed of our gender sometimes.

Girls can don't have to do much.

They don't have to physically raise a hand on another girl...

Yet the damage is much greater.

You can always feel the vibes in the room when someone hates you.

And it makes you feel...

worthless.

and small.

and weak.

So many times I have wondered, "Why?"

Because that simple thing that I did couldn't have left such a big consequence.

I wonder if you know what it's like to come home after seeing those girls every night and... cry.

At the start, when I realized what was happening and how others were treating me, I cried in the car on the way home.

Then I got home and I didn't eat. 

I didn't do homework.

I simply sat in a corner and cried.

Mum started to tell me, I couldn't keep doing this. That I had to pull myself together. Especially when my performance at school dropped.

So I stopped crying. I pulled myself together.

In the wrong way.

I faked a smile and feigned the happiness and joy and bubbliness.

And I think I fooled Mum.

But I couldn't fool myself.

I came home and I tried to contain it.

But I wanted to die.

I thought it was all my fault, that I couldn't cope. 

I was weak and stupid and slow. So much so that I started to become those things.

I never showed those girls the mark they left on me and I guess they didn't realise.

I only recovered from this experience because of 8kays. She told me that I needed to get myself away from that environment and she was always there for me, even at 1 o' clock when I texted her crazily sometimes. :)

Isolation is the worst feeling in the world.

After that experience, I knew that I would never bully anyone ever again.

It's just as bad not sticking up for anyone.

When snide remarks were made and sneaky dirt faces were passed behind my back, I felt them. They affected me more and more, as I fell into the trap and felt the way they wanted me to. And no one stood up for me. No had the guts to.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't belong.

Because they are only treating you that way to fill up that "hole of emptiness" in their own lives. And they fear being the loser themselves.

And if you see bullying, try to stick up for the person.

Girls can be vicious. But you could be that little lightbulb of hope for someone. Hope that they still have reason to live. <3

Everytime I have a bad experience like that, the only good point that falls into my head is the fact that this experience might help me help others. And I hope it did. It's always a risk publishing innermost thoughts on the internet, but if at least one person if getting something out of it, the risk is worth it.