I guess i've figured why I'm sad.....

i don't like vce.
But more than that, I hate the fact that I'm
aiming
for
perfection
(sometimes).

I am a strong believer in the fact that perfection doesn't exist.
Or maybe not for me?

Striving for something that doesn't exist.
It doesn't work.

Anyway, now it is time for me to pull my socks up.
I know I said that every day,  but everytime i say it, I muster up that extra degree of determination.
It's not about atar anymore - I don't think I really wanted to care about atar from the start.

This is about achieving the best I can and being able to be satisfied with it.
Being able to look back upon year 12 and see everything that I achieved;
not remember all the disappointments from the times that I was supposed to be studying but didn't,
or fluke-ing As.
being able to look at year twelve and think,
"from a state of utter depression, I actually ended up soaring. And if I could do it then, at 17, when I had no clear direction in life at all, now that I do know where I'm going, I will do twice as well to achieve what I want."
the same way I look back at year 11 and think in awe of my determination to do well; the hour or so of health study I sat down to do each night.

It's not about grades - I don't think I can possibly measure my success in grades.
I need to stop beating myself up about my mark in my chem;
it wasn't because I'm too dumb for chem,
or I hadn't studied enough,
i was having an off day then.

The other day, we were sitting in chemistry.
Actually, it's a  boring story so I can't be bothered explaining it.

"Atar of 50."
I know I'm being dramatic, but this melodramatic spirit is what got me through year 11.
I need to stop wasting time and get onto what I have to do.

"Atar of 50."
^ it is my threat to myself.

I am not dumb.
Stop telling yourself that, Izzletay.

I keep soaring between moods of cockiness or over-confidence to completely losing faith in myself.
And it's not good.
At the end of the day, my sanity is much more important than any other outcome of this year.

Also I'm never happy with myself.
I knew I was going to change this year, and I had 'okay'ed that.
more selfish, I knew I would become.
Selfish for a selfless goal.

But in reality, I didn't consider the fact that people who lose contact with me will continue to see me as the monster I am this year.

No kidding, I really am a monster. And I hate it. I only care about myself, my grades and my friends at school. Mainly. Vce has made me very self-critical too.

Now I kind of understand other people better.

anyway,  I need to go and study.