Mad at myself.

I'm no good at being cold.
I'm no good at ... not being open.
There's probably a word for that, but I don't know it. Whatever.

WHY DO I DO THIS?
:(

Sometimes it seems like everyone else knows how to do it.
When I was younger, it certainly seemed that way.

MY problem is that I pour my heart out.
If Riddle's diary ended up in my hands, I'd be dead on that chamber floor within a day.
It's actually that bad. D:

Example:

Sara Lee: Hey Izzle!
Izzletay: Hey sara lee, how are you? :)
Sara Lee: I'm pre well :)
Izzletay: that's good :)
Sara Lee: actually not really, I just have quite a bit on right now :(
Izzletay: nawww! What's up?
^ *being caring, as I do*
Sara Lee: meh. Well, Bianca Melony Indigo has been bitching about me and stufff.
Izzletay: awwww don't worry about it! She's not worth your time anyway, she used to do that to me too

^ STOP RIGHT THERE.
And that's where I lost objective.
Then I proceeded to generalise that it's not atypical behaviour from her....

I'm such a b*tch I want to shoot myself in the head sometimes.

Okay, as you probably know I am Buddhist. So no killing of any form is allowed.
Also, I think I've probably mentioned this before, (actually, no, I haven't), but at some point in my life, I decided that "atonement" is not something that I should be dwelling upon (karma will get me in time), and the past is in the past. And if I can't apply that principle to myself, how can I do the same towards others?
Omgggg this is so off-topic.

Anyway, that is not what I was going to say today.
Pouring my heart out.
That's right.

So, I guess I'm one of those people who tries to be open to everyone's problems.
And there are some people that, from previous experiences, I know shouldn't have too much access to ... me?
This is for a couple of reasons (which depend on the person of course):
1) I develop emotional attachment quite easily. Maybe that's a girl thing though.
2) I can't really think of another reason right now, because I'm finding it hard to be general. Yes, maybe I am talking about a specific scenario.

So yeah. This is the reason why I try to avoid close contact with some people who I used to be close with. Because....
I don't want to be sucked in again.

After they have their share of whinging, I go ahead and tell them my fricking life story.
It's like there is no sieve in my honesty capacity once you get me started.

Then we walk away, we stop talking for however long until they need me again.

And I feel like they've walked away with a part of me. A part that they don't even know is important to me but it is.

I have told some random people about some of the darkest times of my life.
And at those times, they are... perfect in my eyes. That heart that listens.... it is perfect.
Then we drift apart and I find myself wondering,
"Those times when you were caring for me, were you even?"
And of course, that pessimistic seed screams out "NOOOOOOOO."
Then I'm scared that they will go and tell people about my crap.
Actually, no, those who I confide in, are genuinely awesome people. I don't really think that they will betray me.

But I guess it's kind of like this (here's another crappy analogy for you):
Someone gives me a dollar.
I give them 10 dollars in return, as well as monthly premiums?
Alright, that was an awful analogy. I'm gonna stop it. XD

Thing is,
When someone comes to me with a painful situation,
I can usually jog my memory to remember a similar emotion and then I share it with them to such an extent that in the end, I've confided a lot more in them than they have in me, in the hope of making them feel better.



That's what I've been trying to spit out all this time. With my crappy analogies XD

So yeah. I should wrap it up here.
Onwards to tomorrow!

here's a word:
sardonic.
It means nothing to me, because I have forgotten what it means.
That is all.