enough is enough... really.

I've been torturing myself.
Accidentally.
The past must be left in the past.

I had a couple of things I wanted to lightly touch on today.
One of which is something i'm always thinking about, but try not to mention.

It's weird.
How dynamic we are.

It's weird how much I have changed since the start of the year.
No, it isn't weird, because I knew this would happen.

I've become everything I never wanted to be + some of what I've always desired to be.

How does that make sense?
This competitive streak that appeared last term... I've extinguished that flame in order to face what I should have faced before -
Now this whole thing is a challenge against myself.
i've challenged myself to a self-duel hahaha.

"izzletay, you are weak."

It's hard when dance ties into this as well.

Dance is my everything, I used to say.
I gave it too much power.
I defined my life with my dance ability.

When I failed at dance, I failed at life.

Then, I distanced myself.
Dance and school are two different worlds.
My approach is different - i fear competition, I don't want to be the best. I am happy with minor improvements.
I've realised that this outlook has crept into my schoolwork too.

Why am I saying this much? I know this blog is really public now. I link it to everyone. :(
It's still my outlet, I guess.

Overthinking makes you more messed up than you actually are.
Writing it down and recording it makes you feel more messed up than you actually are.

mehehe I'm melodramatic.

I like the fact that the friends that I have only spoken to a few times throughout the year haven't noticed my gradual changes; they still expect me to be the same bubbly, over-achieving, awkward girl I was when they met me.

It's a relief really.
It's nice to slip back into it. :)

No, it isn't deception, I don't think.
It's just a different aspect of my personality that not everyone is exposed to.
That way when I feel like I've stuffed up one part of my life, there are other people that I haven't stuffed things up with yet.

Waaaaaaaaah so emo today, Izzletay.

LIKE what happened to haloman? We were nearly closer than other dirt.... at one point.
I think it's the facebook withdrawal that got us.
And to him, I bet I'm still the b*tchy girl who was best friends with the girl he liked.
It's difficult to change someone's perception of you. It can be altered in an instant too.

Most people are generally quite... suspicious. Like I am. With guys and their intentions.
Even before I've properly gotten to know them, I set off with this idea;
"pedophile."
And I guess I let my guard go once I know them properly, of course.

it's quite the contrary for girls.
It's harder to make friends with girls.
Girls are much more suspicious, they aren't as easy-going.
I guess that is because of a range of reasons.
Maybe it's to do with the fact that all through history, men had the upper hand - maybe it's intrinsic.
Maybe it's because we're more sensitive and don't like being hurt.

I guess I am no different.

I don't like being competitive - besides with myself.
To be the best me that I can be - not academically (well, partially), but more so morally and spiritually.