Therapy Series 9: In a hole of procrastination

I hate this blog.
I could spend all day here.
Reading my own entries and drowning in the return of feelings that should be left in the past,
But getting lost in it so I don't have to think about what I actually have to do.

I'm going to be completely honest.
At the moment, I'm disappointed in myself.
The time is 12:51.
I'm still up, though I left msn hours ago.

I'm paving the road to failure in semester 2.
If I don't start off well, how can I expect to do well?

This is why I wanted to fail semester 1 exams.
It would have motivated me to work harder.

Instead, my head thinks, "You slacked off for exams, you still did alright."

BIGHEAD.
But actually writing it helps me to realise that:
1. I need to study or else
2. I'm going to fail.

AND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IF YOU LOVE ME, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME I WON'T FAIL.

Coz the fear of failure is what motivates me.

In the past few months of semester 1, I have been told so often that,

"You're not going to fail"
"You'll pass anyway"
"Stop stressing"

And I didn't believe you. But I didn't study for exams anyway, coz I'd given up hope.

Then you all turned out to be right.

Which is why my brain is slacking and expanding like some charismatic, blonde, teenaged player of a guy. ;)

I have a list of about 18 tasks I wanted to get done before the holidays. When I say want, I mean about only 7 of them are actual homework.

It's what I do every holiday. Write lists and while I'm accomplishing stuff off them, think of more things I could do to do well. Coz study never ends.

But I'm sick of study.

I worked harder than ever before in my life for all my SACs last semester. And I scraped the marks I deemed "acceptable".

Then I slacked for exams, accepted failure and I score what I would classify as "well". For myself. Coz you know, I have crazy expectations sometimes.

I'm sick of study, I know it.

Okay, I'm going to talk to myself like a crazy person so I can figure out what advice I'd give myself if I was someone else and completely not afraid of hurting my own feelings.

Come on, Izzletay, you've come this far. The reason you did well in the exams was BECAUSE you grasped the concepts well in the semester therefore there wasn't huge need to study.
So, you have to put your head back into the books (THE STUDY BOOKS) and get your act together in order to do EVEN better next semester.
If you continue on this way, bad habits will develop and you will not become an orthotist.
I'm not going to go over the top like you always do and say "YOU WILL FAIL". But if you don't study, that possibility becomes more likely.
You can do it, Tizzle.

The last line told me that I'm kind of parroting back the ideas that 1) Atekays, 2) my mother and 3) a whole heap of friends including wiselilone and dramaqueen have instilled into my brain. Well, the last line in particular has been said to me so many times by my sister of a best friend, I'm not sure how she actually copes with my constant need for reassurance in study. ;)

You see,
Ogres have layers.
Onions have layers.
I'm not an ogre or an onion,
But I have layers.

What the hell am I on about? It's 1:02, no wonder. -.-
Anyway from tomorrow, I am going to turn things around.

And so will you, if you haven't already.
But I know that all my friends are much further ahead in holiday homework than I am. :\
So now it's time to ditch this blog and drag myself through.

You have been given the mental strength to achieve anything.
All you have to do is make use of it.

You want to be an orthotist, you will get there.

These two years are the years when you have the tools to achieve anything within your arm's reach. Or whatever the expression is, I'm not sure. XD
You have to make use of it though, otherwise it counts for nothing.

Get off blogger, Izzletay.
Get off Facebook to those of you who still lurk there ;)
Get off Tumblr - THAT IS A CRAZY ADDICTION, i'm so glad I don't have it ;)
Get off msn when you're homeworking coz I will come on and start distracting you ;)

JOKES.
As of this moment, my cyber presence has
been zapped out of existence.

Coz I need to start caring about myself again.

I hate feeling like crap, feeling like I have more I could achieve but am too much of a lazy little bum.

I hate having my jeans rip (DEPRESSING!) as result of my excess computer time ;)

I hate eating chocolate, feeling like my future is crumbling in my own hands.

COZ IT HASN'T CRUMBLED.
IT IS ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

I'm going to let you in on a secret.
Just say you didn't do your holiday homework.
You could survive through school!
BUT it would slow down your progress by A LOT.

And I really can't afford that.

I know I'm being melodramatic and it's 1:09 am but I want to finish this MASSIVE entry by saying,
I am entirely and eternal grateful for everyone's support
and text me anytime you need a favour in return.

Hopefully I'll be gone for at least until I finish holiday homework.
I have a feeling I will be this time.

The truth may have finally sunk in.