Partial drifting, ambition and what have I become? kind of thinking hahaa

So it's been a while. I know, I say that every time I post now.

It has finally clicked in my brain that I am in year 12.

Finally.

I don't really know what I'm aiming for in the future, but I know for sure it is not medicine.

But even writing that ^ (which I thought I was sure of, my insides squirmed just that little bit.)

That little factor that still lingers at the back of my mind is the fact that most of my closest friends are aiming for medicine and law... I guess I don't want to be scrounging dollars forever. And part of me cares about the societal norms and wants to conform and become a part of it... because it's simply easier than living on  "the edge" of standards.

Then again, when do I ever enjoy things easier? I like to take risks and the friends I have now I guess won't necessarily be the ones I spend the best parts of my life with. As sad as it is.

I do know that ultimately I will end up at La Trobe doing my masters in prosthetics and orthotics.

The future is hard to contemplate.

So I am really not treating this like year 12... and it has just struck me how slack I have been. Term 1 is over nearly. My year 12 english oral is in two days.

I am doing less work than last year. :(

It seems I've drifted away from some of my friends through vce.

I still think about it, but most of the time I'm so busy thinkng about everything else that I don't have to properly mourn, properly wonder. I don't have time for myself.

The time I do have for myself I waste away on youtube. And with friends. So I don't really have time for myself at all.

Did I ever have time for myself? Do I actually need time for myself?

I miss certain people in my life... but I have their lost their numbers so it isn't actually possible for me to swallow my pride and reinitiate contact.

You know when you have those people that you miss sorely when you're not around them, and almost weaken yourself to create... or rekindle that friendship that you used to treasure? You might come to them with a problem that perhaps you're overdramatising... just because you yearn for their advice and consolidation.

So I don't know, I have a few people that I miss.

But then when I am with them, I forget what I was missing about them. I realise that they don't need me like I thought I needed them then Bam that brick wall is back and it is almost my fault that our friendship is again at a cold stage. That's me trying to be wildly independent, I guess.

But let's face it, these days I am very much wildly independent. I don't really care how people perceive me...

Well that's a lie. I do care. I care a lot. Sometimes.

I don't want guys to perceive me as the "easy girl", for one thing. I know, there's my fear of being labelled a sl*t striking out again.

I am scared to get marks back. For some of my sacs. :(

I am so very very afraid.

of the end of the year. of my atar. Of my atar showing off how much effort I put in and still getting something that is.. seemingly low.

I didn't realise I had this much to say until I started blabbing. I guess I waited for my blog to die down before I posted again... for people to forget the link I gave out. So I can be myself again. :D

It's 10:09 and I have done barely any homework.

What shall I do?

The worst thing about vce is the consequences of your procrastination lash out months later........ arrrghhhh. :(
I have to try to harder. From today.

Did I mention that I met someone who shared my passion for prosthetics and orthotics? the only other person I'd ever met who shared that similar light in her eyes when she talked about "fake limbs for people with amputated joints" (the response that was tattooed to my mind when trying to simply explain the basic concept of this field to other people).

Thinking about this reminds me that... I don't care about societal norms at all. What fires the passion in my heart is definitely altruism over all the riches in the world. LOL that was so corny.

I think I have it figured out. For the moment anyway.

Atar is just a ranking. that no one will speak of in a few years. That doesn't mean I'm not going to try my best though.

I don't want to end up listening to people boast about their 95s and thinking, "I could have achieved more" when there would definitely be no proof that I could.

It's my final year, I have to make the most of it.