Final contemplations of 16 year old izzletay....

I am confused.

I should be studying or using my life productively, I think.

Maybe people think that I am using my life productively.

I have never been so slack before.

Tomorrow I turn 17.




It's a large number, I guess. Though it won't be much different to being 16.


People's perceptions of me.

It is something that worries me quite a lot sometimes.
Then other times im so ruthless and uncareful and stupid,
Then regret how stupid I've been and get overwashed by feelings of guilt and surmise about what the other person may think of me.

So I guess... Ultimately I do care.

These days it is like I care more and more,
And it's not really that good.

But it is good, because it keeps me in line.

I miss lotza laughs.

I miss a few people actually.

Sometimes I sign into msn.

Actually that's a lie. I sign into msn about 6 times a night.
I wait for my contacts to load in anticipation.
And there's always a group of about 6 friends from the past.
Who I can't really initiate contact with anymore because it's been to long and we were never close to begin with.
Well maybe besides one, whom I miss in my life.
I contemplate whether I should talk to this person,
Then I log out.

But in reality, I know that isn't the person I'm waiting for.

I need to learn to let go of past feelings of attachment I think.

I also need to stop labeling every person I meet as sibling like.
Because regardless of how close I hold them, there's a great chance that something can go wrong and our friendship wont survive or it will simply fade apart.

Just because one person was a great friend at one point in my life, it doesn't mean I should always hold them so close that they are at the capability of hurting me, I think.

Then I try to remember that no, I am getting too attached to myself.

I need to chill.

I need to help who I can and not be afraid to be used.

Recently however, I feel like I've been attracting more and more like-minded friends.

There was that stage in my life where I couldn't mesh well with anyone.

I think now it's quite the opposite.

I'm not particularly close to many people, but I've realised that I don't need to be particularly close to anyone.

I'm 17 tomorrow, and I need to make some big changes to get my education on track.