exam results have arrived.

On my bed sits the two papers.
On my arm are stains of mascara from the tears I've shed.
In my ears music blares through my earphones, trying to numb the pain.

It's always hard being judged.
It's even harder being judged when others also use the same judgement to define your... Intelligence. Or effort. Or talent.
It's most hard being judged on something that is your passion; knowing you aren't as good as you want to be, knowing you aren't going to reach your dreams, having to let go of your dreams because you know you won't reach them.

Today my RAD results arrived (ballet exam).
This grade defines my ability to do the grades that lead up to teaching.

My parents saw my grade before me.
This, to me, is an invasion of privacy.
Then to be compared to a younger sibling...

So yeah, I'm not happy.
I don't want to eat dinner.
I'm not going to look at my results coz I know they are going to
Crush
My
Dreams.

It's not fair.
It's not fair that what I love the most is what I can't succeed in.

I'm a perfectionist sometimes.
And what I hate when I feel like i've failed is people saying,
'you tried your best and that's what matters! :)'

Um NO.
This can NOT be my best.
I want to be able to achieve more than this.

I have homework to do, but I'm still lying on my bed crying and wishing I could redo my exam.

What i'd prefer people to say would be,
'you know you didn't work as hard as you could have'
Coz then there is reason for my failure and I don't feel like such a failure when i've given it my best shot.

So yeah,
In times of my failure,
Remind me I was distracted,
I wasnt 100%,
I was sick that day,
I hadn't studied,
And there is more for me to achieve.

Because that's what is going to keep me trying harder and harder.

Then again, getting these results is a practice run for vce, when there is also a good chance i'll be disappointed in my result.

So maybe it's good
?

Or maaaaybe,
Coz I did bad on this, I will do well on my vce!
Hahaaaaaaaa....
You wish.
I mean, I wish.
I mean, how do I decide what I love more, helping people or dancing?
Is it worth sacrificing dancing marks for my future dreams of being an orthotist?
Coz that's what I did.
Last semester, I put all my efforts into straight As and A+s.

Thinking back, I'm glad I did that.
Because I was selfless; dancing only helps me but becoming an orthotist would benefit many people who need assistance.
And when I sit my intermediate (which I have to, regardless of this result, izzletay), I will be in uni and have time to refocus on dance.

So I'm not going to give up.
I've stopped wasting water.
I have no idea what song is playing.
I'm hungry,
I'm going to check my results after I eat.

You are as strong or as weak as you want to be,
And a piece of paper can't define you.
:)

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